Private moments - part III

I am ready to go.. a bus was waiting for the girls at the school. As usual, I am still waiting for the girls. I always wait for women. Things hasn't change much since my childhood days.

"5 more minutes doggy boy..."

Twenty minutes later, we are finally on the way to the school to board the bus. I have driven to the school probably a few hundred times and yet somehow whenever I am in the car with dragon, the power struggle for navigating starts immediately.

"I think you should take the Pantai expressway.." she says

"No, I am going to the Federal highway, it's early"

It's a no win situation. If there's any trouble on the Federal highway, she'll say "I told you to take the expressway.." If I picked the expressway, which I don't want to do, and it's jammed up, she'll say, "You should have stuck with your instincts."

Like most decisions in life, this is one best not to argue and rethink again. I just have to decide, stick with it and move on.

So I take the expressway, and it's jammed. Now I am mad at myself, she's mad, my daughter's mad and the car grows unusually quiet.

We finally reached the school and I pull into the parking lot. My daughter sees her girlfriend and ran over to talk. Dragon stays in the car with me.

"I am going to spend the whole weekend with thirty little girls and their moms," she moans.. "What was I thinking?"

"You mean you'd rather stay with me?"

"No. I just wonder what was I thinking.."

"Our daughter wanted to do this. You like to do things with her together. I am jealous. I wish I could go.." I lied...

"Okay, you go. " She looked at me in the eyes.

"Ah... I love to but, you know, I have already made plans."

"Oh, really, what plans?"

"Oh, nothing much. First I'll take care of all the items in your list. Very important. I'll probably work on the roof and the backdoor a little. Then maybe, I'll look for some Korean ladies, get a massage - a real massage - and invite the pretty 25 year old twins next door for a sunset hot tub.."

"Well, have fun," dragon says, unfazed.

"Okay, so maybe I won't get the massage," I say.

"But you will play music really loud, because I don't let you when I am home. And watch movies until 4 in the morning, sleep all day and eat horrible food."

She knows me so well. Maybe I can just leave the uneaten casserole in the refridgerator and she'll understand.

"Have fun. I love you." she says, and give me a long, soulful kiss clearly designed to make me forget the twins next door.

With that, we get out, unload the bags and join the other kids and their parents. I am not sure i would want to be the driver on the bus. I can see it now: Thirty women going - "Left. Left! No... right..turn right... No, take the highway.. Brake..."..

Even more worrying, I would be distracted, specifically by Lucy Wong's butt. Nice. Lucy Wong's daughter is in the same class with my daughter. I used to see her at the gym at times - along with some of the other moms and dads. She looks great in her makeup. Maybe I would want to be the driver.

I give the girls a big hug and kiss and watch them climb aboard. I also peek around dragon to catch another glimpse of Lucy.

Private moments - part II

While dragon was trying to save wolfie the dog from my menu of edible dog food, and keep amending my list of what to do's... I have been trying very hard to put other things in order. I thought it was easy for me to be alone for a couple of days while both of them dissappeared into the camping trip.

Out of nowhere, my daughter announces that she doesn't want to go camping. Great! that really bums me out. I've been looking forward to being alone for the weekend. Dragon's also bummed because now that means a little argument. And as I expected, the girls begin snapping at each other. I would like to step in and try to stop it but that would be wrong, because they will find a way to blame me for everything. This goes on until Dragon looks at me and says, "I've got such a headache.."

"OK, I'll go talk to her.."

I look at my daughter and whisper softly.. "Sweetie, 50 bucks if you go.."

That takes care of the problem. Dragon went back to the 'to do' list again.. "Oh, and go see baby at mom's place before you go to sleep."

"We have a baby? Wait, we do have a baby. I've seen him. His name is.. baby.."

"Congratulations! You do live here. By the way, I left a chicken breast and thigh in the fridge for you..."

"That's sweet. But you know I'm not attracted to chicken.."

"... and the casserole. You just put the rice in that sauce, and add the peppers to it. Then you take off the chicken skin, cut the chicken into pieces.."

I am lost....

"... and put it in a frying pan, turn on the stove..."

Dragon plans meals for me. It's her way of being nice, but it ain't going to happen. I don't have the heart to tell her that I've already planned my favorite meal; a bologna sandwich. And none of that low fat, plasticine, leather looking garbage is ever going into my plate. But that's what I am going to feed Wolfie ..tsk...tsk... save me the money from buying the dog food in the first place..

Private moments - part I

My daughter is going for a camp in the weekend with her classmates and dragon is going to accompany her like all her friend's mum. It is a wecoming news because I have always wanted to be alone for a few days.. just by myself..

That morning, before I get to send them to school, dragon rushed to the kitchen and blocked my view with a sheet of paper she thrust in front of my face.

"What's that?" I ask.

"It's the list of things I need you to do while we're gone."

One part of me resents this because it takes me away from the things I thought I was going to do. The other part of me.. resents it also.

"Don't forget to call the plumber," she says. "He is free in the weekend. Don't try to fix the toilet yourself again like the mess you did last time. Anyway, I have hid your toolbox so don't bother. And remember to pick up the clothes from the dry cleaner." She means her clothes from the dry cleaner; my fancy t-shirts are all machine washable.

"Feed the dog"

"You have to tell me this?"

"I know how much you hate the smell, but both of you live together.. wolfie never complained about your smell..."

"That's because that animal can't talk.."

I have been wondering if my dog will graze the grass like an old goat and there's plenty of grass in the garden for a buffet anytime...

"And do you remember about the medication?"

"Okay, tell me again.."

"Wolfie eats 3 times a day. Half of the can in the morning, quarter of the can in the afternoon with just kibbble, no water. And a quarter can at night. And make sure he gets outside."

"He has been eating that lot? No wonder I get less chunk of meat for my dinner nowadays.. now what about the medicine?"

"Make sure he takes the pills. Two pills at the first feeding, two pills at the second feeding and put that gel on at the evening feeding.."

"Okay, I've got it. Two cans of dog food in the morning.."

"Can't you hear me? Half a can in the morning!"

"I was just having a little fun.."

I don't know why she worries. The dog will get feed, even if I don't do it exactly as she would have. Wolfie may get his gel in the morning and with all the pills at one go, and I'll get him some cat food cause it is cheaper. I promise he'll at least be alive when the girls get home.

Of dreams

I would rather eat up all the dog biscuits for life than wake up difficult people. I understand it because as a kid I would love to drop off my pet dog from mount everest every time I heard him barking in the morning. My dragon is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

I always try to rouse my daughter with an exciting thought so that she just pops up and ready to go. I usually kiss her and say something like, "I dreamed about being trapped in the hotel room, locked from the outside and there's a lot of zombies around ..."

She'll screamed...

Actually, I don't say that, but I do try to get her brain active. "Hey, I dreamed about your mommy kidnapped by the ultraman.."

She'll say," Didn't you try to save mommy?"

Then I know I've got her.. "Well, but ultraman will not let me take mom back.. anyway, daddy can save a lot of money if mom is not around.. mom eats like godzilla"

And she'll say, "But you got to save mommy.. you are the godzilla... mommy is princess Barbie"

Now, I am standing in her doorway without a shirt on, teasing, "Yeah right, well, I am going to work now and I'll give ultraman a phone call later..."

"You can't go to work like this"

"Why not? I am late"

"You can't go to work like that because people can see your belly"

We both laugh and she's up.

Parenthood.. pets

Dragon keeps a pet dog at her parent's house. Its a little Shi Tzu doggy whom they called Wolfie. Doesn't look like a wolf at all to me. Dragon sometimes called it Alaz, and me her doggy boy. Wolfie has no guts, and once it almost had a stroke when I jumped on him from behind. I honestly feel sorry for doing that..

"How about a treat?" I asked.

Wofie wags his tail excitedly and runs towards the back kitchen door, where we keep his dog bones. Wolfie loves those dog bone biscuits that come in six different colours and favours. I like them too, particularly the yellow ones. I know this because once when my daughter was there, we were fooling around and I told her I could eat a dog bone biscuit. She didn't believe me, so I bit off a hunk, chewed and swallowed. Her eyes lit up, she grinned, then flipped out and started crying. So I did the only thing I could do: I licked the tears from her face, nuzzled up against her and everything was fine.. except that now she thinks wolfie is her half brother.

Parenthood.. oh what to call those parts

"Vagina" is a funny word. Almost as funny as 'penis'. But I always stumble over it - I mean the word. Va-gi-na. Women don't even use the word. I know one woman uses "Bushie", referring to George Bush. "Puss" is more personable, I guess.

I say this all in the most respectful way, you understand. Since I have a daughter, I have to teach her what to call it, and it can't be "down there" - the name I cleverly created - all her life. One reason I think we get so screwed up is not calling things by the right name.

So here we go: A man has a 'penis'. A woman has a 'boom-ba'. Okay, I'll be honest, she's got a 'goo goo'. I don't know why this is so difficult. My daughter already calls it a 'gong-go'. But she calls everything in that area a 'gong-go'.

Please tell me this will pass.

My daughter also has major questions about why I can pee standing up. She automatically assumes it's a better deal. I didn't say anything, but who knows what she hears at the school. So I said, "No, you are lucky. You get to sit."

She goes, "When I grow up I'll be able to pee standing up"

I'll say to her quietly "Yes, that'd be interesting, I am sure mummy will teach you when the time comes"

I feel bad for women in general. They have to go through such a to-do list when they go to the bathroom. And they can't write their names in the snow without a lot of acrobatics.."

Of a busy day shopping

I took my daughter to the mall the other day for the weekend shopping. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. She noticed that I was watching a teenager sitting next to her. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours; green, red, orange and blue. He was having some fries with his legs on the table...

I kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find me staring every time. When he had enough, he came over to me and sarcastically asked, "What's the matter mister, never done anything wild in your life? Do you have a problem with my hair?"

Knowing me, my daughter quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on my response, knowing I would have a good one.

And in classic style I replied: "I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"